Incorrigible
by jillyfae
Summary: A collection of short fiction pieces about Ella Shepard and "Joker" Moreau. Primarily humorous 'in-between' pieces. Because who can resist that Joker sense of humor? ;) Rated M for language, and some implied sexual content. *insert favorite belongs to BioWare not me disclaimer here*
1. Inappropriate

"Wow." Joker tilted his head slightly, watching the asari dancer twist her head almost all the way down to the floor before pointing her toe towards the ceiling. "She's bendy."

Vega coughed slightly into his cerveza, because despite the fact they did it all the time, he was always rather surprised to see the pilot so obviously ogling someone in front of his, what? Girlfriend? Lover? _Crazy-assed partner in crime?_

"Hmm." Ella Shepard tilted her head the other direction. "That she is. Good trait in a dancer." _And now Lola's ogling the asari too. That's... kinda hot, actually._

"Should we request a private dance then?" Joker nudged Ella with his elbow, grinning when she turned to look at him. "For our mutual enjoyment?"

Ella hummed, softly, as if she was considering it, before leaning in close to Joker. "I don't think so. I don't share well with others, flyboy. You're mine."

"Aw, babe, you're no fun at all." Joker was smiling, his voice soft as they both completely ignored the fact that there was an entire table of people sitting with them.

"Now, I have it on very good authority I am lots of fun." Ella shook her head in disagreement.

"Who told you a crazy story like that?"

"Was it 'Rik before he tried to kill me?" Ella leaned back in her chair, looking up at the ceiling, hidden in the dim smoky light of the club. "Oh, wait, no." She turned sideways to aim another grin at Joker. "It was you."

"Ah, well then. I'm brilliant, must be true."

Vega shifted uncomfortably sideways in his chair, trying to aim his face in some slightly other direction. They were leaning together, hips and shoulders and temples, and he was pretty sure they were holding hands under the edge of the table, and yeah, they obviously didn't care about anyone else's eyes, but it still felt kinda weird to be watching.

"Don't worry." He turned his head to see Garrus offering him what he was pretty sure was his version of a wry smile, mandibles tight but not too close to his face. "You get used to it."

"No you don't." Tali snorted softly. "You just pretend you don't notice anymore out of self-defense."

The Major chuckled softly. "I don't know, it doesn't seem that bad. As close to sweet as Joker ever gets, finding someone who will eye asari with him."

"She is a very good dancer, even for an asari." Traynor agreed with a bit of a smile.

Liara made a displeased sort of noise in the back of her throat, but however much she might not like it, she couldn't really argue with her species' reputation.

"Hey," Joker's voice was still going in the background. "If you don't want to share, does that mean if I buy you that outfit you'll dance for me yourself?"

"Well," Ella drawled the word out slowly. "If I put on that outfit, does that guarantee my night ends with your hands or your tongue or your cock inside me?"

The rest of the table was suddenly enveloped in coughs, a few muffled swear words, and Liara's violet blush. Esteban choked, almost spitting his cerveza all over Traynor's duty-blues. "And then they discover new depths to sink to..." Alenko rubbed his eyebrows as if he was getting a headache.

Traynor was hitting Esteban right between the shoulder blades to help the foam settle so he could stop coughing, while Tali murmured agreement with the Major's sentiment. Being stuck almost right across from the dreadful pair at their end of the table, however, Vega could still hear every word.

"Yes." Joker's voice was like something you normally only heard in prayer. Or during an orgasm. _Fuck. Why did I think that?_ "Oh god, yes."

"Then yes, I'll dance." _Not that Lola's purr is any better. Damnit._

"Hell yeah." Joker sat straight up again, lifting his arm and triggering his omni-tool.

"What are you doing?" Ella asked, amusement lightening her voice.

"Shopping." Joker lifted his head, the orange glow making his grin look even more devilish than usual. "Though. In the interests of full disclosure I should admit that getting inside you is pretty much always my goal, dancing outfit or not."

"Figured that out already. Why do you think I said yes?"

"Because you are the galaxy's most perfect woman?"

"And don't you forget it."

"Never."

And then they were kissing, and really there was way the hell too much tongue, but it had the benefit of stopping them from talking anymore.

Until Joker's 'tool beeped softly, and they pulled apart.

Vega discovered it was possible to feel even more uncomfortable when they paused, lips just barely not touching, noses angled next to each other as their eyes slowly opened and they just looked at each other, and that sort of naked emotion was not the sort of thing he ever really saw, or anyone he knew ever really let out in public, except, apparently, for these two. Who were completely shameless.

Not that there was anything shameful about being in love, but he could really do with a little less detail on their sex life.

"Guess what?" Joker's voice was a rough whisper, and Vega was pretty sure Ella was the only one who was supposed to be hearing him. "Found one."

"Already?"

Whatever he said after that was finally soft enough Vega couldn't accidentally eavesdrop, but it made Lola laugh, and then they were leaving, amused good-byes, hands clasped and somehow in step despite her longer stride.

Presumably to do the things they'd just been talking about...

"Spirits, I need a drink," Garrus half groaned, half laughed.

Vega looked up from his depressingly empty cerveza to see similarly stunned expressions all around the table.

"I'm pretty sure you're speaking for all of us there, Vakarian," Vega agreed, lifting his hand to wave at the closest waitress. "Two more rounds at once sounds about right to me."


	2. Unconventional

Ella Shepard sighed, tired of reading fine print, putting her 'pad beside her and leaning her head back until she thumped it gently against the display case she was using as a backrest. _Sitting on top of the desk may not have been the cleverest decision I ever made. Not that comfortable._ She glanced sideways, smiling at the man who had taken over her desk chair, searching for something or other on the extranet. _Nice view, though._ "Think we'll have to argue with someone, to keep the _Normandy_?"

"Eh?" Joker grunted, lifting his head from the console in the middle of the L-shaped desk to turn and look at her.

"After, you know. Reapers. Assuming we win, and we're not dead, and all that, do you think they'll let us take the _Normandy_ when we retire?"

Joker snorted, amusement crinkling his face, laugh lines deepening around his eyes as he smiled. "Like to see 'em try to pry us out of the _Normandy_. Don't think they'll have much luck."

"Mmm," she sighed, smiling back at him. "Sounds nice, doesn't it? Just zipping around the galaxy, whenever, wherever, no desperate tragedy to be averted. We could go to Grissom's Parade, on Elysium. I haven't seen that in years."

Joker chuckled softly, pushing back a little and stretching his back. "They'll probably be inviting you to be in the Parade, you know. The infamous Butcher, Commander, Spectre, Savior, Captain, Hero Eleanora Grace Shepard." His voice dropped, one palm smoothing through the air as he impersonated an old-fashioned marquee. "Champion of the Galaxy, for All to See!"

"Don't think you won't be getting a few of those invites yourself, mister." Ella leaned forward, just a little. "Fancy flying looks very good on the news vids."

"Nah," he shrugged, eyes twinkling. "I'll just be the +1 on the bottom of your invites. _Please bring that pilot fellow who helped you out, he makes you look taller on stage_."

"I don't think so, not if they want me to answer them."

"Oh? What would they have to say, if Champion doesn't get your panties wet?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Moreau?" Ella suggested softly, her voice low and husky. "You always get my panties wet."

His whole body stilled, his eyes hot as he stared at her face, and oh, how she loved doing that. Joker was always busy, doing three things at once, watching screens and tapping on his console and adjusting his hat and those eyes, always moving, always watching. Except, every once in a while, when she managed to surprise him, and all that energy was focused exclusively on her.

He gave the desk a practiced shove, the chair rolling across the short stretch of floor until he stopped, right in front of her, chest just past her knees, head tilted as he looked up at her, _and isn't that just my favorite spot for him, right between my legs_. Palms landed on her thighs, fingers spread, and she purred, just a little, in the back of her throat, as his fingers dug gently into the muscles beneath them.

"Did you just ask me to marry you, Ella?"

"Nah," she blinked, slowly, smiling, smug and warm and content. "You asked me years ago, and I just realized I never answered."

His eyes narrowed in thought, but there was a hint of a smile curving the edges of his mouth so she simply waited.

And almost burst out laughing when she could see him figure out what she was talking about, eyes widening and lips smirking. "You owe me more food, then, babe. That was the deal. I get baked goods, you get me."

"I definitely got the better end of that bargain," she whispered as she leaned forward to kiss him, slow and gentle. One of his hands lifted off her leg to cup the back of her head, careful not to tug her hair, his lips soft and warm against her mouth as he drew out their kiss.

"Pretty sure I'm coming out on top on this one," Joker murmured as he slid his mouth sideways, dropping one final kiss on her cheek. "Since you getting me is just as good for me, plus I get dessert." He grinned at her as she snickered. "Though, if we're officially all engaged now, we should celebrate. You need to be much more naked."

"I think I can manage that."


	3. Unwrapped

**_Vega_**

"So." Vega shifted slightly in his seat, looking past his feet propped up on the workbench, his chair balanced on just the rear two legs.

"Yeah Vega?" Joker's voice came clearly through the speaker.

"You and Lola..."

"Shepard and I what?" Vega was pretty sure he could hear the pilot's grin growing bigger. "Fuck like bunnies on a regular basis?"

"Hell, Joker, does she know you talk about her like that behind her back?"

"He talks about me like that to my face, Vega, don't worry about it."

"Uh." Vega's chair fell flat to the floor with a clatter at the sound of Ella Shepard's voice on the comm. He ignored the echo of Esteban laughing at him from his station across the Bay.

"I'm pretty sure we warned everyone that if you're talking to me somewhere public on ship, there are even odds that Joker's listening." _Sounds like Lola's laughing too._ "Should've realized it worked the other way too, now, shouldn't you Vega?"

"Well. Sort-of?" Vega frowned, shoulders hunched. "I kinda wanted to..."

"Talk about me behind my back?" She actually did laugh aloud that time, a short low chuckle. "Alright, I'll leave you boys alone." He heard the soft damp sound of a kiss, _which really is going on a lot longer than necessary, especially on deck_, followed by the whisper of her voice, saying something the comm didn't quite pick up. And then Vega waited some more, until he heard a bulkhead door slide closed, because Joker being Joker he'd obviously be watching her leave, not paying attention to the voice from the Bay.

"Done playing kissy-face on duty, Joker?"

"I am never done playing kissy-face with Shepard, Vega." Joker said. "But I'll take a break to talk to you, since you asked so very nicely. Oh, wait, no you didn't."

Vega rolled his eyes. "You're one to talk about the manners,_ volante_."

"Hey. Keep your insults to languages I have a shot of thinking up a come-back in, _gros_."

"What, was that french?"

"Yeah. You should feel special. Usually only break that out for my girl."

"You call her your girl. Lola. Who, you know, likes to break people?"

"Ah, but she thinks I'm cute. Won't break me." Joker snickered. "Unless I ask."

"Too much intel, Joker."

"Then ask your damn question, Vega, or you are stuck with whatever else I think up on my own."

"It's almost her birthday, right?"

There was a pause, slight enough it wouldn't have even been noticeable with anyone besides Joker, who tended to talk faster than most people could think, and then his voice was soft when he answered. "Yeah. Almost."

"Would throwing her a sort-of surprise party be the sort of thing that would get me punched, or would she like it?"

"Uh." There was another pause. Vega was pleasantly surprised that Joker actually seemed to be thinking about it. "As long as you don't put a number on the cake to remind her her years are all screwed up, I'm pretty sure she'd like it. Especially if it involves chocolate. And or strawberries. If I'm wrong though, it's going to be all your fault. Not mine."

Vega snorted, tilting his chair back up on its back legs. "Knew that already. You get her a present?"

"Oh, yeah." The smirk was audible in his voice.

Vega added that to the list of things he didn't want to know more about. "Any safe-for-coworkers suggestions?"

"I mentioned chocolate and strawberries already, right?"

"Yes."

"Well then. She likes food. Proper actual real food, not synthesized. She bakes things." Joker's voice trailed off in something that sounded suspiciously like awe.

"What, like cookies?"

"And bread. And pies. Oh my god, the cherries." That time his voice completely stopped, and Vega couldn't resist chuckling at the sudden mental image of Joker drooling all over his fancy bucket seat. "Plus when she's done, we have all this extra chocolate syrup to play with."

"Damnit Joker, too much intel, remember?"

"You're the one who called me, Vega."

"And I'm never doing that again."

"Yes, you will." _Smug bastard_. "I'm irresistible."

"Maybe to Lola."

"Definitely to Lola."

"Aaand, that's enough of that for two lifetimes. Later, pilot."

"Later, jarhead."

* * *

_**Joker**_

Vega was obviously confused. He hid it pretty well, but he kept leaning back, just a little, away from Ella, those heavy shoulders of his just a little too tight. _Probably cause she's flirting outrageously as thanks for the black forest cake._ Joker grinned, enjoying the show. He loved her mouth, the way her body curved, the sound of her laugh. It wasn't quite as good as when she flirted with asari with him, because well. Equal opportunity sexy blue alien babes needed no disclaimer. But it was still pretty damn spectacular.

Plus, the shifting of Vega's feet when he caught Joker watching them was hysterical. And Ella's grin when she noticed was predatory and delightful and fucking hot. She leaned in close to the younger marine, murmuring something Joker couldn't hear, and the poor man fled, grabbing a drink and escaping to talk to Traynor, who could be counted on not to flirt with him at all.

Cortez, who'd been sharing outrageous fish flying stories and dreadful innuendo until Joker got distracted by Ella, snorted a laugh into his cup. "You two are dreadful, Mr. Moreau."

"Really, Cortez, I know you like to tease, but in what universe am I a Mr. Moreau?" Joker grinned. "And whatever do you mean by dreadful?" He widened his eyes in an attempt to look innocent. At which he failed, as usual, judging by the other man's continued snickering.

"I'm a tease?" Cortez leaned back in his chair with a grin. "You're the one toying with my poor heart when I know you're taken. By a lady, no less."

"Doesn't mean I don't recognize a handsome man when I see one," Joker winked. "I'm an equal opportunity tease, after all."

"Is that the best you can do?" Cortez laughed. "You're not very good at this flirting thing. However did you seduce our Commander?"

"It was his hands," Ella said from behind Cortez, causing the man to twist in his seat to aim a grin at her. "Have you watched them dance when he's flying?"

"Hey, my hands dance when I fly. Why are you immune to my charms?"

"I think the problem there is more that you're immune to mine," Ella laughed, taking a few steps around Cortez and perching on the arm of Joker's chair. "Unless there's something you're not telling us?"

Joker hummed, sliding his arm around the small of Ella's back until his fingers were resting on her far hip, completely missing whatever smart retort Cortez managed. _God she smells good. Chocolate and roses and static and skin and she has perfect skin, always so warm against mine and what?_

He blinked as he realized Cortez was staring at him, eyebrows raised, and Ella was laughing again, her body shivering against his arm. "God, you're perfect, Joker," and then she was twisting sideways, one hand lifting his chin, head tilting to avoid his hat so she could kiss him.

Her lips were so soft, her mouth tasting slightly of cherries and chocolate still, intoxicating and perfect and _Ella_. Ella-kisses always went straight to his heart and his dick, until his whole body ached. His fingers tightened on her hip and he had to force himself not to do something even more inappropriate than usual, like undo her shirt in the middle of a party where everyone could see.

Even he had a few lines worth not crossing, and naked Ella was a sight he saved just for himself.

"Best birthday ever," she whispered softly, thumb tracing lightly along his jaw, stroking his beard.

"Haven't even opened your present yet, babe," he whispered back, voice rough against his throat.

"You got me a present?" She seemed so suddenly, honestly startled, eyes wide as she leaned back just a little, he couldn't help laughing.

"'Course I got you a present. Though, if all goes according to plan, it's a pretty good deal for me, too."

"Those are the best gifts." Cortez' eyes were flashing with amusement when Joker tilted his head to look at the source of the interruption. "The ones that get you laid."

"He gets laid pretty regularly as is," Ella said, flashing an amused look of her own at Cortez as she slid off the chair arm. "In fact, I'm thinking he's about to get lucky right now." She reached out a hand, helped pull him to his feet, and _god yes_, she was standing close enough he could feel her breasts against his arm, her breath against his cheek as she purred at him. "Gonna show me what you got, flyboy?"

"Mm," Joker grunted, debating how much trouble he'd get into if he just kissed her neck and worked his way along her jaw rather than answering._Probably not much, but then there's that awkward moment when neither of us want to stop but we rather have to because. Well. Public._ "Don't I always?"

"I think she meant her present." Cortez was still grinning, obviously enjoying the view. "Greedy lady, our Commander."

"Extremely," Ella agreed, and her voice was low and delicious and so close, he could feel it against his skin. She was so near that they were sharing air, mouths a tease as nothing quite touched, but every breath and every thought was all about her, and warmth, and skin, and touch _and fuck_, she was whispering in his ear, "and I didn't mean my present."

"We need to be leaving now." He couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of her, though he actually kept his hands restricted to holding hers, no public groping, _and my dick's still in my pants, so that's an accomplishment_. He vaguely heard Cortez laughing farewell as Ella agreed and they escaped to the lift, and _hell yes, skin_ he had his hands under her shirt before the doors finished closing.

Ella groaned at the feel of his hands up her back, his fingers perfect, always just a bit cooler than her skin, and then his lips were swallowing the sound, and her mouth was very busy kissing, and her body was on fire and kissing was wonderful. Kissing was _grand_, kissing was all they could really do in the elevator, what with standing being not the best position for anything, but that was fine, because he tasted like cake and tea and_fucking_, and it was impossibly unfair and spectacular how good he was with his tongue.

Kissing in the elevator was really the only time she ever thought that the damn thing was too fast; barely got a proper kiss _started_ by the time the door opened again.

* * *

_**Ella Shepard**_

He laughed when she dragged them past the landing, gently bumping knees and elbows until he landed in the nearest chair. His laugh deepened to a growl that she could feel low in her stomach when she climbed on the chair after him, knees tight against the arms, back curved so she could kiss him again.

She felt the brim of his hat bump against the top of her head before she lifted just a bit too far, and it fell off behind them.

Not that either of them cared, so much more interested in the slide of his hands up her thighs to linger against her ass, the way their mouths pushed and gasped back and forth as they shared lips and tongues and tastes until their very lungs seemed to be breathing together.

"Happy birthday." His voice was rough against her ears, a rasp in his throat that made his breath blow soft against her lips. "Your present's on the desk you know."

Ella glanced sideways, saw a rectangular box all wrapped in green paper. "Perfectly happy right here." She tugged at the edge of his ear with her teeth, before whispering softly. "You're a damn fine present all on your own, you know."

"But think how much fun I'll have if you're extra appreciative after opening it," he whispered back, fingers digging into her ass for one last squeeze before he let go. "Go on. Wanna know if you like it, don't I?"

She grinned as she shoved herself off the chair. "'Course I'll like it. You've got splendid taste."

"Because I think you taste splendid?"

"Pretty much." By then she was perched on the edge of the desk next to the box. She lifted her brows at him in surprise when she picked it up. "Little heavy for lingerie."

"That would be more of a present for me than you, now wouldn't it?"

She laughed softly as she gave the paper one hard rip, shoving it to the side as she proceeded to open the cardboard box beneath it.

And then froze in surprise at the very distinctive orange label staring up at her from its place in her lap. She could feel her hand trying to tremble, just a little, as she slowly dropped one finger against the cover. _Over 200 years old and they still print the damn thing with fleur-de-lis?_ She blinked, the wording suddenly too blurry to read, and her hand stroked softly against the smooth box before sliding down the side, feeling the curve of one spine, and then the other. _Both of them, even. Proper box set._

She lifted her head at the distinctive soft rattle of the loose wheel in her desk chair as Joker rolled closer, head tilted as he tried to look at her face. "Is that good stunned or bad stunned? Because you're not usually that quiet."

"Where did you? I didn't even know they still?" She could hear the shiver she'd avoided in her hand in her voice, and Joker rolled right up against her knees, his hand soft as he reached out and touched her arm. "You found someone who actually prints books?"

"I can find anything, babe, you know that." His voice was soft, and his hand stroked all the way up her arm before jumping to settle against her cheek, his thumb sliding back and forth under her eye. "I thought we'd have a good laugh, and I could convince you to make me something with too much butter tomorrow in the mess. What's wrong?"

She sniffed, hard, suddenly realizing she was probably leaking tears all over his fingers. "Nothing, it's." Ella leaned forward to hug him, arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders, feeling the weight of the books shift in her lap. "It's the best present I think anyone's ever given me, you perfect brilliant idiot." She adjusted slightly, her forehead resting against his shoulder, eyes closed as she kept talking. "My mother had an ancient battered set of Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Present from her _grand-mère_. Never thought I'd see one again."

She felt the brush of his beard an instant before he pressed a kiss to her temple. "Then I did good, huh?"

She laughed as she slid off the desk until she was spread across chair arms and lap, the books placed carefully back on the corner next to the remains of the wrapping paper. "You did better than good. They're perfect. You're perfect."

"Pretty sure I'm not," he murmured against her skin, one thumb pressing up her neck and along her jaw, making her lean back, stretching and curving above his lap. "But I do so love it when you're delusional."

"My birthday. You have to agree with me." She groaned softly, eyes falling closed at the feel of his mouth against her neck.

"Now that's just asking for trouble." His voice was so soft, a whisper, a rasp, a breath against her skin. It felt so good she was having trouble actually keeping track of the words. "How 'bout, your birthday, I have to make sure you don't get any sleep at all?"

"Mm. That is an acceptable counter-offer." She turned her head, just enough to find his lips. To shove her tongue down his mouth so he'd be too busy for another retort and she'd get the last word in for once.

And then she felt his hand between her legs, and she stopped worrying about words, and wondered how quickly she could get naked and over to the bed instead.

Not that it was a race or anything.

But Joker let her win.

Several times.

_Best birthday ever._


	4. Sailing Music

_An age-of-sails-ish AU, requested by chignon. Ella/Joker, with some Cortez/Alenko in the background._

* * *

Sha'ira's was generally empty, this time of the morning. Or so Ella had thought, 'til she strode slowly past the double doors, boots tapping on the wooden walkway, and heard the faint sweet sound of music.

There was no one doing anything in town, as far as she could tell, and Williams was overseeing the last of the cargo, so it really couldn't hurt if she just took a quick listen, now could it?

_Even I'm not buying that excuse._ Ella snorted softly to herself as she pushed the doors wide and stepped inside, just far enough for them to swing shut behind her again.

The place was empty. The bar gleaming, the glass behind it shining, the sunlight pouring through thick glass golden enough to make the air seem almost solid enough to swim through.

Not that Ella gave two fucks about the sunlight, she was watching the piano player.

She could see the rough line of his hair along the back of his neck as he leaned in close to the keys, only a shade darker than the old leather of the vest across his shoulders.

She could never get enough of his _hands_, the way they danced across the keys, up and down and around each other, enough she was sure they were about to get tangled or his thumb would slip off the edge... but it never happened. Not once, in three years, had he missed a note.

And she'd certainly been watching.

"Captain." His head tilted sideways, but his fingers didn't stop, and he didn't turn away from the keys.

"Joker." He looked different somehow in the warm morning light, a quiet room rather than the usual rowdy crowd of sailors. _Both of us sober might make a difference too?_

She smiled slightly, feeling her lips curve up on the left side as she collapsed onto a barstool, elbow braced on the bar as she listened. And kept watching, enjoying the shift of arms beneath his shirtsleeves, the uneven scruff of his beard along his jaw and neck.

Mornings were surprisingly nice here. Ella usually wasn't awake this time of day to appreciate them, but she'd had to go sign paperwork at the harbor master's office.

She usually made Alenko do it. Best first mate she'd ever had, and better at crossing every t and dotting every i than any man she'd ever met.

But she'd sent Alenko home, as he hadn't seen Cortez in close to a moon. The last run had taken a little longer than planned.

Well, she'd tried, and he'd murmured politely about finishing his job. And then Williams had informed him she'd start asking about their favorite sexual positions if she saw him any time in the next two days, and Alenko had blushed and fled while the fleeing was good.

And now, not only was Alenko actually taking a break, she was listening to Joker play some pretty song she'd never heard before, lilting and dancing through the air. Full bars tended to call for louder stronger melodies.

It was a good morning.

Too bad she couldn't fit a piano and a ramp in her quarters. She'd be tempted to ask him to come sail the seas with her otherwise.

The song came to an end, one last trill of white keys and fingers.

_Though that might be an awkward question, as I've never even asked the man on a date._

"Got a rather... delicate question for you, Joker."

"Since when have you been delicate, Shepard?"

Ella rolled her eyes as Joker grinned at her, a flash of green eyes from under his eyebrows. "Since never, that's my problem."

"Join me for a drink, then?" He shoved unevenly against the wheels of his chair, managing to push away from the piano and turn towards the bar in one smooth arc.

"If I say something horribly insulting under the influence of whisky, you are not allowed to be mad at me then, as it was your idea."

Joker just laughed, that low chuckle that made her stomach tighten, and her face smile, no matter what she'd been thinking about a moment before. As she'd been rather wondering about what he looked like with his pants off, the combination made her grateful once again she didn't have to worry about blushing like Alenko did every time someone teased him about his husband.

"I was aiming for the coffee pot myself. Little early even for us, I would've thought."

Ella snorted. "Who knew. A respectable suggestion."

"I try occasionally." He reached under the counter to pull out a pair of mugs. "Keeps people guessing about my motives."

"But now you're telling me your secret?"

"Babe, you can have any secret of mine you want." Unlike his previous grin, this time his smile was a little crooked, slow and almost hidden in the shadows behind the bar.

She felt that smile like a kick to the chest, her fingers suddenly tightening, wishing for a rope to grab and balance on, the floor of the bar oddly unsteady beneath her, worse than the deck of her ship ever was. "Show me where your bedroom is?"

He froze, and she swallowed, hard, wondering if she should have kept her mouth shut. "That's not a secret." He pushed, just a little, a slight shift of his chair, a slight shrug of his shoulders before he lifted his head to look at her directly. "But you're welcome to a grand tour. If you've got the time?"

"Williams has the deck 'til tomorrow." She could feel the weight of her eyelids when she blinked, a short dark moment away from that _green_. "I'm all yours."


	5. The Season

_"Jane Austen-esque AU of Mass Effect?" requested by yarnandteaisallineed_

* * *

They may have forced her through all the necessary training to behave herself in public as part of the Academy regimen. And being an officer was _technically _enough to be considered a legitimate member of polite society.

But there was no way four years of Commander's Dinners could compare to a lifetime in the nobility, and she knew it. She hated all those _eyes_ on her. Judging. Snickering.

Anderson wouldn't let her avoid the latest round of Balls, however, docked as they were at the Citadel during the height of the Season.

It always seemed to be the Season, everywhere she landed.

_I have awful timing. Stupid local calendars. All mixed up._

Pressley had, of course, been ready to go for a good ten minutes, trousers pressed and buttons shined and ribbons all in a row.

She was still scowling at her hair, which rather wanted to fly straight up in the air instead of sort-of settling properly around her head.

At least she got to drag Alenko and Moreau with her. Officers. Just as doomed as she was. She couldn't quite swallow the grin as she wondered if they were as bad at the social graces as she was. Considering Alenko's reserve and Moreau's foot-in-mouth disease, it was possible they were even worse.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all?


	6. What?

_teleutelilybloom requested Ella Shepard and an 'accidental baby' for an AU meme on tumblr..._

* * *

"What?" Ella stared in surprise at the warm bundle Chakwas and just dropped into her arms.

"There's no one here familiar enough with human physiology, we'll have to take him with us."

There'd only been a small human contingent on the local colony. None of whom was in any state to take in an orphaned child as they rebuilt after the raiders' attack.

"What?" The boy in her arms was, thankfully, fast asleep, so he wasn't scared off by the wide eyed panic she could feel spreading visibly across her face.

Joker snickered softly behind her. "I'd rescue you, as you so obviously need it, but if I do that it'll take us even longer to get to Elysium. Figure it out babe. Don't worry, babies are tougher than they look." He kissed her gently on the cheek and escaped the medbay before she managed to say anything.

Which said more about her state of mind than anything else, as he wasn't hurrying.

"What?" She looked up at Chakwas again, and didn't even care as the doctor smothered obvious laughter into her palm. "I had an older brother. And no one trusted me alone with little children after the time I made all my schoolmates swords out of sticks and we broke the couch. And that was twenty years ago. Help?"

* * *

In my personal head canon, Ella does eventually get over the 'which end is up?' reaction to babies, and she and Joker tend to pick up strays all over the galaxy. Because they've been strays, obviously. 3 And she teaches them to fight and Joker teaches them to fly and she teaches them to cook and he teaches them how to smile when the latest cooking lesson goes horribly wrong and dinner doesn't actually look like food, and it's highly adorable, and then they help them find a decent foster home somewhere so they get a proper education and learn how to at least pretend to be civilized, but they're always welcome back aboard if they need a break or a trip or a rescue or an adventure.


	7. Reunion (nsfw)

"Nobody died." Joker's voice was soft, almost a whisper in her ear.

Of course, it wasn't just for her, despite her imagination. It was over the comms because he was flying and she was in the almost a med-bay watching Liara and some poor Alliance medic whose name she didn't even know yet trying to figure out how to help Alenko until they made it to an actual proper hospital on the Citadel.

"Yet." She mouthed the word almost silently.

Ella wanted more than anything to barge into the cockpit and fling herself all over Joker, actually touch him for the first time in six months, but she had to be _Commander Fucking Shepard_ again, and she wasn't completely sure she remembered how to keep it all together.

"None of that." She wasn't sure if the mic had picked up her whisper, or if he knew her well enough to read her mood by the set of her shoulders in a tiny security vid, but she couldn't resist shooting a smile in the vague vicinity of the cam on the ceiling at his teasing tone. "Come bring me some coffee. I doubt you can glare Alenko better by sheer force of will, and you might be scaring Chief Soun there. She's not used to Shepard glares yet. Might think you're serious."

Liara glanced over, an almost smile softening her eyes. "He's got a point, Shepard. I think the Major is stable now, let us work?" Liara's gaze lifted briefly up towards the camera in the ceiling, her smile widening enough to be visible across her lips.

"Thank you," Ella nodded, grateful both for the gentle nudge towards where she wanted to go, as well as the care they were giving Alenko.

_He'll be alright. Has to be. Strong man, Alenko. He knows we need him._

She paused right before she left anyways, looking back over her shoulder, hoping she was right. Chief Soun's shoulders eased just a little at the sound of the door opening, and Ella swallowed the urge to snort audibly as she stepped out of the medbay.

Joker had been right. Again. As usual.

She smiled as she stalked over towards the coffee-pot. _Not that I should tell the arrogant SOB that. He'll never let me hear the end of it._

She made the coffee as strong as she could stand it, though it wasn't quite at the scorched tar level of the stuff Joker usually made on his own. She leaned against the cabinets as she waited for it to brew, fingers wrapped tightly around the edge of the counter.

Earth. Anderson. Mars. Alenko.

And Joker waiting for her in the cockpit.

Her fingers clenched hard enough she could feel her knuckles crack.

_Or maybe that's the counter? Crap. Stupid cybernetic everything._

She made herself let go, shook her hands gently, trying to relax.

End of the world.

Almost more worried about seeing her pilot again.

_I'm an idiot._

_Not that that's new. Always been an idiot._

Anticipation and grief and nerves and six fucking months without being able to share a single word and wondering if they were both still on the same page or even the same book.

Not that she'd seen more than a handful of books with pages in a good twenty some years.

Not that that had anything to do with her current situation.

She had no idea how he'd survived her two years dead. She'd had trouble with six months in a room without email, even knowing he was fine and relatively near-by, still working on their ship.

God, she'd missed the _Normandy_ almost as much as she'd missed her pilot.

Well, maybe not that much, but it'd still been a damn fine sight, the _Normandy_ flying to the rescue again.

Ok, that had mostly been because she knew who was at the helm.

Ella grinned as the pot beeped, and dug out two mugs.

Now that she finally had a moment of down-time, nothing for her to do 'til they docked at the Citadel, the end of all that waiting in sight, the anticipation was strangely pleasant, a shiver down her spine, a wiggle in her toes. She took her time walking up through the CIC, making sure she was learning names and ranks to go with faces, duties lined up with uniforms. Had to make her poor cobbled-together-skeleton-repair crew as comfortable as possible, after all.

But even savoring a nice slow pace, the feel of ship beneath her boots rather than hallway or floor or earth, it didn't take long to reach her destination, to lean against the bulkhead and admire the line of his shoulders, the shift of exceedingly talented fingers across holo-displays.

She'd rather missed everything about him while in lock up, but she spared an extra thought or two for the things he could do with those hands.

"That better be some spectacular coffee, considering how long you made me wait." He tilted his head around as he spoke, the brim of his hat shading his eyes, the slightest hint of teeth just visible between his lips as he smiled.

Her breath hissed out as her hands tightened. If she hadn't had the sense to grab the mugs with lids, she would've spilled coffee all over herself. _That smile._ Oh yeah, they were still in the same book. Same page. Possibly the same letter of the same word.

"It's dreadful coffee." Ella managed after one hard swallow, feeling herself smile back, her toes curling in her boots as she suppressed the urge to drop everything and clamber onto his chair. "But I'm bringing it to you, so you're going to like it anyways."

"I am, aren't I." He shrugged as he turned his chair all the way around, but it clearly wasn't really a question.

She straightened up off the bulkhead, her feet moving forward without any real input from the rest of her. "Holy fuck, you're a sight for sore eyes."

"Such a mouth on you, Commander." He'd been staring at the movement of her lips as she spoke, and his eyes were dark when they lifted to look at her properly. "Going to get yourself in trouble one of these days."

"Oh, I certainly hope so." Their fingers brushed, just a little, as she handed him his mug, and she felt her nostrils flare and her breath try to catch in her lungs. She watched the slow blink of his eyelids dropping in reaction, and leaned in even closer, head tilted so she'd fit under his hat, her now free hand braced on the side of his chair.

He opened his eyes, and there was that smile again, all those things they neither of them were very good at saying, clear in the curve of his lips and the creases by his eyes.

"Missed you too." His voice was rough, barely a whisper, a breath against her mouth an instant before she felt the brush of his lips.

Her eyelids slowly lowered, even as a soft hum rose up through her chest and into her mouth. He leaned up into her, as if trying to taste the sound of her voice along with her lips, and her fingers clenched around the leather beneath them to hold herself steady.

She'd barely had a chance to notice she was lightheaded, a flush of heat beneath her skin and the thud of her heart in her chest, before he was leaning back in his chair, their mouths slowly separating. It took another breath or two before her fingers eased and she remembered how to open her eyes.

There was just a hint of green between his lashes, his eyes still mostly closed as well, and she smiled again as he slowly focused on her face. "Never said I missed you, Joker."

"But you did, didn't you."

_And yet again, not a question. Smug bastard._

"Every second." She ached with it, even now, but the CIC was never really quiet and the cockpit was never really private, so she was just going to have to deal. She forced herself to stand up straight again, to take a drink of her coffee.

Which actually wasn't that bad.

Wasn't that good, either, but she'd take what she could get.

For now.

* * *

For now lasted a hell of a lot longer than she'd expected. Huerta Memorial, the Council. _Fucking council._ Wasn't sure why that still surprised her. And there was always more to do. For the ship, for the politicians, for the crew. For the whole damn galaxy.

Until Liara finally, literally, shoved her towards the elevator, eyes narrowed and body tense as if prepared for a fight.

Ella opened her mouth to say, _something_, and interrupted herself with a yawn; she could almost feel her eyes crack around the edges with exhaustion.

Liara shook her head, part relief and part exasperation, and then the crease of her frown eased into a wide-eyed smile, almost as sweet and surprised as she'd been back on the SR-1 . "I don't expect to see her for at least eight hours. Hopefully twelve. Think you can manage that?"

"Depends." Ella turned to see Joker already inside the elevator. He waved hello as she turned, a smirk and a flash of fingers, and then lifted his chin to look at Liara again. "Is she supposed to get any sleep? 'Cause then I might need a little longer."

Liara rolled her eyes, even as Specialist Traynor made a startled coughing choking noise. _Someone isn't used to Joker yet._

_And I can't remember what I thought so desperately needed finishing right this moment._

So she nodded at Liara and Traynor, and joined Joker in the elevator.

He kept his mouth shut, for once, leaning against the far wall, eyes steady and body still. He was watching her as the doors closed, watching her stand, watching her lean against the wall, every shift of her body, so intent she could feel the pressure of his eyes against her skin.

She wanted to return the favor, with hands instead of eyes, just the two of them.

Instead she yawned again. Now that she'd stopped moving, she wasn't sure she remembered how to start again.

His voice had a trembling edge when he spoke up, as if he was trying not to laugh at her. "Have you taken a break at all since Vancouver?"

"Um."

She was saved from her own foggy memory and another dose of sarcasm by the opening of the elevator doors.

She blinked at the landing in front of her until she felt Joker poke her in the middle of the back. "March, soldier."

It was more of a shuffle, but she made it through the door.

"Bed."

She managed to leer in his general direction. "Aren't you romantic?"

Joker snorted. "I prefer you awake and contributing." He gave her a steadying hand as she almost stumbled down the stairs, and then turned her around and gave her a gentle shove in the chest, snickering as she gave up and fell back onto the bed. "Scoot."

She wriggled up onto the pillow, and was already half asleep by the time he got her boots off, and barely managed to open her eyes and grunt at him when she felt a blanket settle over her.

"Sweet dreams."

* * *

_Black tendrils rising out of grey, grasping, clutching, tightening ..._

Ella could feel her whole body heaving up, the curve of spine and the clench of fingers as she gasped, desperate for air, for breath, for warmth ...

"Shhh." The brush of knuckles moved slowly down the side of her arm, the whisper of a familiar voice beside her. She couldn't remember the nightmare, not anymore, only a cold sick feeling in her stomach.

_We're all gonna die._

She blinked a few times, hard enough to make her vision spot black, trying not to believe the small whisper inside her.

"Almost three hours." She felt Joker shifting beside her, putting his 'pad on the bedside table before turning back towards her, the dim blue light from the tanks tracing the ege of his jaw. "That's pretty good, for you."

Her laugh was a sad and pathetic thing, but it was better than crying, or hitting something.

The soft touch of his lips on her cheek, the catch of his beard on her skin, was better than anything. She turned in towards him, a reach of hands and legs, a need for touch, for skin. For him.

He kissed her, soft and slow, still murmuring every time she moved, "shhh, babe, it's alright," and it was only when he kissed her cheek and she had to gasp for air that she realized she was crying, hot tears slowly spilling down her skin, pooling against her nose, dripping onto the sheet beneath her cheek.

"Oh, hell," she felt her breath catch, almost a sob, and rolled until her forehead just bumped against his shoulder, her face turned in towards the bed.

He grunted as he shifted his weight, slowly adjusting until he was lying down beside her, fingers stroking along her hair. He didn't say anything as he let her cry, his breath soft beside her, his hand occasionally tugging enough she could just feel the pull of hair against her scalp.

She didn't cry for long, but even so her cheeks felt hot, her nose stuffed, her head thick and heavy. She rubbed her face against him, then rolled back with another uneven chuckle. "I ruined your shirt."

"Nah, you're just giving me an excuse to take it off."

The cool brush of his fingers moved behind her ear and down her neck, and she blinked her eyes with a sigh, feeling herself stretch a little beneath his touch. "Do you need an excuse for that?"

"I don't know," his whisper was so soft she could feel herself holding her breath to make sure she could hear every word. "Do I?"

"Never."

He made a pleased hum as she slid a hand under the bottom of his shirt, palm flat against his back as she pulled them closer together so she could kiss him again, no more tears or nightmares in the way.

She couldn't get close enough, even with her arms around him and her legs pressing against his, even with her tongue in his mouth and his breath against her skin, even when his fingers dug into the back of her neck and his mouth shifted across her skin, lips and teeth and tongue.

"Joker." He groaned against her jaw, heat and vibration and desire, and she pushed him away enough she could tug on his shirt. "Off."

Instead he leaned in again, his mouth finding the edge of her collarbone just past the edge of her shirt, his hands pressed to her breasts, and she couldn't talk, couldn't even manage to swear at him, her body aching and wanting and heavy beneath his touch.

He was such a fucking tease, the stroking of his hands and the feel of his mouth and the rub of his beard and the sounds he made, low and rough and soft in the back of his throat. He got her shirt off, and her bra, _thank god, sleeping with a bra is awful_, and then there were lips around her nipple, and she had her hands in his hair, holding him against her chest, and she felt the tug as he licked and sucked, the pull and heat starting low in her stomach and going all the way up through her breast to his mouth, until the edge of teeth made her cry out.

Her hands fell to his shoulders, gripping his shirt, tugging up, and up again, until he finally relented, and their bodies shifted, and she pulled it off him. She spent an eternity just feeling his body again, shoulders and chest and back, her fingers gentle between his ribs, her teeth catching his skin and marking him, _mine_, until she could feel his breath catch, his heart thudding inside his chest, the beat of his pulse in his neck.

Until neither of them could stand the weight of their remaining clothes, and they finished stripping, and she loved his hands, oh god how she loved his hands, skin against her ribs, her stomach, her hips, curving along her ass as she straddled him, thumbs digging into the crease at the top of her thighs even as she reached between them to stroke his cock, to line him up before she slowly lowered herself on top of him.

Braced on knees and elbows, her head fell to the bed beside his with a groan, _oh, yes_, the smell of him, the feel of him, sex and skin and the catch of hair and the grip of his hands on her hips, and he was so very hard inside her. He rolled up, pushing further inside, and she clenched around him, trying to hold him there, keep herself full of him, but he slowly eased back down again, heat and friction, and she ached to have him back, begged even, her breath uneven against his ear, fingers clenching into fists as she said his name, over and over.

He never sped up, slow and terrible and perfect, until her stomach ached with it, her thighs and shoulders tense, her voice strangled in her throat, her breasts heavy against his chest, her skin hot and tight with anticipation. She could feel his muscles hard beneath her, shoulders and chest and back, the tremble in his thighs, his fingers digging into her skin as his breath sped up, even as he held himself to the same achingly steady pace, _close, so close_.

One hand moved between them, his thumb finding just the right angle, the right amount of pressure, the perfect slide of his skin through her slick, pushing up against her clit until she couldn't take it anymore, eyes closed and body clenching tight around him, his voice a whisper accompanying the pleasure rolling through her, "_oh, yes, Ella"._

Her body felt heavy, a shudder leaving her stomach and travelling through her body, and he gasped beneath her, his rhythm uneven, his pace finally broken, until with a final shift of his hips he groaned and came inside her.

She probably would've stayed there forever, listening to him breathe, feeling him soften inside her, his hands resting on her back, fingers slowly stroking her skin, but her shoulder started to ache from the odd angle of her arm, and eventually she rolled off him to collapse onto her back, blinking up at the ceiling. "Why didn't we do that as soon as I got back on the ship?"

"Because sometimes we're stupid and forget to stop working?" He shifted beside her, pulling up a tangled blanket to drape it over the both of them as he lay back down. "Though, really, the galaxy was conspiring against us, what with Timmy-boy and the Council being extra-specially asshole-ish lately."

She snorted, rolling her head 'til she could look at him. "I missed you."

"You too." He smiled, all smirking eyes and mussed up hair and blue shadows across naked skin and fingers crawling across the bed until he could hold her hand. "Glad to have you back."

"Even when I'm not here, I'm all yours."

His smile softened and his fingers gently squeezed. "It's better when you're here."

"Yeah, it is." She squirmed a little closer, enjoying the feel of his arm against hers, letting her body relax. Maybe she'd manage a nightmare free nap, this time. _ And if not, he'll be here again, won't he?_

"You're too good for me," she sighed softly, eyes slowly closing.

"'Course I am."

She snorted at his answer, and briefly considered freeing an arm out from under the blanket and waving some sort of rude gesture in his general direction. _Nah. Too much work. _

"But you're also much too good for me, so it all evens out. Or something. Now sleep, or Liara will yell at you again. And possibly me, as well."

She breathed a soft laugh, her thumb rubbing against his hand. "God, I love you like crazy, you stupid man."

"You're the one with a head as hard as a krogan, not me." She could hear the smile in his voice. "Being scared of the lady who can flail my skin off with her mind is perfectly reasonable."

She laughed again, an even softer breath than before, and felt herself settling heavily down into the bed, the weight of the blanket and her closed eyes almost enough to send her to sleep already. She almost missed it completely when he spoke up again, a whisper of breath between them.

"And I love you too, crazy woman."


	8. Strength

"Tell me about the Joker pilot." Javik never asked, he ordered.

Garrus felt his jaw tighten, mandibles close to his skin. Even if he was good at following orders, he didn't answer to Javik. "Why?"

"He smells different than the other males. And not just because of Shepard's pheremones."

"Not just..." Garrus shook his head, unsure if he wanted to laugh or groan. _I do not need to know about Shepard's pheremones, now do I?_ "Did you ask him?"

"He said to get my damn stupid four eyes out of his cockpit."

"So why are you asking me?"

"You understand war better than most here, so many of them too young and hopeful and stupid. Is he a weakness?"

"He is the best pilot I've ever known, and he has saved our lives more times than I can count." Garrus could feel the lower range of his voice deepening, even as the upper tones lifted. The atonal tang would've been enough to send another turian under the nearest table for cover.

"And how high can you count then? You only have six fingers to help you." Javik was unimpressed, his four-eyed glare steady, his voice cold and smooth. "Why are you defensive?"

"He may physically have brittle bones, but he has a spine of steel in every way that matters." Garrus shoved back from the table, suddenly not particularly hungry.

"Do I care if a snake can sing, or do I only need know that his venom is potent?"

Garrus stopped, turning his head, waiting for Javik to finish.

"Can he fly?"

"He makes ships dance in ways I used to think impossible."

"Then he is a strength." It was Javik's turn to leave the table, though his motions were smooth and calm in contrast to Garrus' sudden shift. "Though I ask you not indulge your mutual love of primitive humor in front of me again. There is only so much I can stand before I wish to tear your tongues out for some silence."

"Huh." Garrus suddenly understood the slightly wide-eyed blink Javik had managed to startle out of Shepard a time or two. He'd be doing the same thing right now, if his eyes were spaced far enough apart. "Alright then. I'll, uh, try to restrain myself."

Javik, of course, didn't even nod an acknowledgement to that. Imperious bastard.


End file.
